It's a Negative

October 2007

I took my first pregnancy test, ever! I didn't really think I was pregnant, but I figured I would take one anyway. It was negative. I was a bit disappointed, but not really surprised. This was, after all, our first month of "really" trying. (Little did I know what "trying" really meant!) Seeing the negative test reminded me that this whole situation was in the Lord's hands and not my own. I just knew that He would give us a baby in His perfect timing. I knew that I had nothing to worry about because I had an almighty God planning out my every step. He had created the whole world from nothing! He could certainly provide for me with no trouble at all. I truly believed that (and still do), but at the time I was unaware of how much I would be forced to cling to that belief. I didn't realize how much I would be tested.

This was just 2 months into our trying to conceive experience....there was so much to still be learned!

Noah's Story

October 2007

Just 3 short months into our new house and trying to start a family, I was beginning to feel the pressure of baby making. I had just read about Noah (in Genesis) and something that stuck out to me that day was Noah's reaction when he first began his new life in a brand new world (after the flood). The first thing Noah did was worship the Lord. I could so relate to that story because I too had recently been faced with a major life change (moving into our first house). I didn't know what to do, so I knew I had no other choice but to turn to Jesus for comfort and peace. I knew that He was the only one that could calm my fears. This was true in Noah's life too. He was certainly unsure of what he was supposed to do and had no other choice but to fall on his knees and seek the Lord. His family had just been saved from destruction...he had so much to be thankful for! I too had so much to be thankful for. I was married to the man of my dreams, living in our first home, preparing to start a family, loving my job as a teacher...life didn't get much better!

This time of transition taught me a valuable lesson...one that I continue to be reminded of now....Jesus is the only steady and constant thing in my life. When we first started this journey of trying to conceive, I was excited, but scared too. I knew that becoming a mother would be a major life change that I could not handle on my own. I prayed then, and continue to pray now, that the Lord would guide my every step and lead me down His path.

The Storm

September 2007

We had just begun "trying" to have a baby. I didn't really understand what that meant, at the time. We just told everyone that we weren't going to not try anymore. We didn't get what it meant to "try". I mean, how hard could it be?

I remember the feelings I was having in the beginning of this journey. I was so excited to become a mother. I had been waiting for this time my whole life! I was just 24 years old and all my friends couldn't believe I was wanting to start a family. "You are so young!" was all I ever heard. But I didn't care...I was ready!

Life seemed so perfect at that point. We had just bought our first house, celebrated 3 years of marriage...things were going so well. But even in the midst of pure contentment, I was completely aware of how quickly things could change. In my journal I wrote this: "Life seems to be going so well right now. That scares me somewhat because I fear that a storm is approaching. I once heard that in your life you are either in the midst of a storm, just coming out of a storm, or just about to enter a storm. What storm is on its way into my life? I just pray that the Lord would be preparing me for whatever He has planned for my life. Let me not be anxious, as He has a perfect plan! Let my heart be confident in the Lord!"

Looking back on that journal entry, I am brought to tears. Little did I know what lay ahead for us. But I thank the Lord that He knew and that He was the one who reminded me to pray such a prayer. His care for me is what has sustained me through this storm.

"Whatever that means?"

August 2007

After a few weeks in our new house, the fear and anxiety started to pass.  I started to feel a little more comfortable...but it still didn't feel like "home".  The Lord had truly given me a peace about this major change in my life.  I had gained a renewed passion for the Lord and His word!  What an amazing blessing!  During the 3 years prior, my heart was far from Him, and I rarely spent time in His word.  Growing up and the fear that comes along with that brought me to a new place in my walk with the Lord...for that I am SO thankful!  I had a true peace knowing that the Lord was in complete control and knowing that He would guide and protect me.

Brian and I had just celebrated our 3 year anniversary.  We didn't do anything "special" for our anniversary, but we did make a BIG decision! It was time for me to stop taking birth control pills.  I had started taking them a few months before our wedding (in 2004), so I had been on them for 3 years.  We were so thankful for the 3 years we spent without kids!  We had been able to do a lot of traveling and spend time getting to know each other better.  But now, it was time!  I knew that I wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl, so I was more than ready!  We didn't make a big deal about it, I just stopped taking my pill.  If anyone asked us, we would say, "Well, we aren't really trying, we are just not NOT trying."  I just read my journal entry from August 21, 2007, and it said, "We recently started trying to have a baby...whatever that means?"  I had no idea what lay ahead for us!  I just prayed for patience as we waited on the Lord's perfect timing.  I wish I had prayed more fervently in those days for patience!  I didn't realize how much I would need it in the coming months.

Fear

In August 2007, I was 24 years old. We had just purchased our first home from an elderly man who had lived in this house for 35 years. He and his wife had raised their children here and she had recently passed away. At the closing on our house, the little old man was teary eyed as he sold us his home. It was an emotional experience for all of us. When we moved in, I was hit with emotions that I hadn't expected. I was scared, anxious, uneasy, and even sad. I felt like my life was flashing before my eyes. Where had the last 10 years of my life gone? I still felt like I was a teenager and here I was unpacking boxes in my first home. You have to understand something, I am the baby of my family. I have always been the young one. All my friends were older then me and I was always just a step behind them. That was fine by me! I loved being the baby! But taking this huge step into home ownership was scary! I couldn't possibly be old enough to own a home...I wasn't even a grown up (in my eyes). So there I was, amidst a house full of boxes, in tears! I wanted to go back a few years and relive the carefree life I had once known. Growing up was not for me!

The Beginning

Welcome to my blog! I am so glad that you decided to stop by. Starting this blog has been something I have wanted to do for some time now. During the past 2 years of trying to conceive I have been searching for a blog that I could relate to. I wanted to find someone going through a similar situation as me, but to no avail. So, I decided to make one for all the women searching!

Here's a little background information for you. My name is Sabrina. I'm 26 years old and I'm married to Brian (he's 27). We have been married since August 2004 (almost 5 years now!). I used to teach 2nd grade, but when we started to get more serious about trying to conceive, we decided that it would be best for me to "retire". To keep my sanity and to bring in a little extra money, I work part time as a nanny. (I know...it's cruel that I am working with other people's kids and not my own!) All my life I have wanted to be a wife and mother. As a little girl, I remember my teacher asking me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" My answer was, "A mommy!" My calling has always been clear, but the path to getting there has not.

Our journey began in August 2007. We had just celebrated our 3rd anniversary and purchased our first home. Everything seemed to be lining up perfectly for us to start our family. We decided it was time! I stopped taking my birth control pills and we expected that we would be pregnant within a few months. We had no reason not to think that. Everyone in my family has been able to get pregnant without any trouble, so why wouldn't I?

This blog is going to be a way for me to tell our story. My hope is that my experiences will be able to offer you hope, encouragement, and answers to some of your questions. But most of all, my prayer is that through reading my blog you will be pointed toward the One who has all the answers...my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Without Him, this journey would be impossible!